Sick

I'm sick to my stomach. I feel tense, overly stimulated, tired, full of energy, nervous, sad, sick...I just don't feel like I'm here in a good way. I've been spending my morning time this morning feeling and doing sick things. I don't feel like I'm good enough, healthy enough, female enough...I just keep thinking of myself as the one who keeps being mean to Nick and not talking with him. I keep thinking I should, I should, I should. I keep thinking I can't work, I can't act, I can't do anything right, and I should. I don't feel like I am good enough for this life. I feel off, completely off. And like nothing will ever be right no matter how hard I work or how hard I try to let God do what He is so good at doing, Creating. I feel like my body is an instrument of evil and I am just going along with it.

I can't go outside and walk yet because it's so cold, and I really want to get out of my head and just ... get out of it! I'm so angry at myself for just going round and round on the same thing. I look at Ryan and how he sits in his room, how he watches and watches and edits, and how I just sit and sit and sit, or get out there and do nothing. I feel like a failure, ok! I feel like my brother Brandon who says it's all his fault when we know it isn't. I get angry at him for feeling that way, but then I go and feel that way too. I'll tell him that today when I can, and say that I love him very much. I feel so lost in it all though, like there will never be a way to make it right. And there wouldn't be, if it were up to me. But PRAISE GOD it's not about me, and I can't help anybody, but I can look to Him and have Him be my help and my strength. Oh Jesus, I'm so so so so so so so so very screwed up.

JESUS! HEAL ME! Ugh. I'm so sorry for my shortcomings and my downright evil nature. I pray you can forgive me. :( Build my hope in you Lord. Build my Jesus up in my head. Build you up in me. Help me FOCUS on you.