IF

There are so many IF's in life. I wonder IF this happened... IF I were this... and I am a grappler. I engage in the IF's and that makes them louder and more excited. Like an excitable dog at his leash as you're saying, "you wanna go for a walk? You wanna go for a walk?"

I told Jodi and Laura I would model for them again. I feel like it's stupid and I'm still holding onto my little vices. I am. That's true. I'm growing too, but it is very difficult to let go of all the little things that have helped me through. They will fall away, like skins being shed in the sand, and I will slither off, my snake head guiding me past my own deadness into the realm of possibility and life anew.

I read today in Lamentations a verse that 'said, "my heart sinks within me." The translation that was in the footnotes was bows." Now I don't know about you but I think there is a DIStinct difference between these two words. One is primarily a sadness, a depth of despair, unable to reach up, falling slowly into deep pools of quandaries. The other is a choice, a bowing before, a relinquishing, a putting yourself on the floor for. I'm not sure which was meant in the translation, but I believe I want to have a bowing. I don't want to sink back because of me letting something attached to me pull me down. I want to think so forward that I fall on my knees, on my forehead with the desire to honor something so much bigger than me. I want to write a poem about that.

Bowing vs. Sinking

And play off the words of a ship, the bow and the sinking. Something solid, and something untouchable. You can touch a bow, but you cannot touch sinking, you CAN touch a sink, and you can allow a bowing. Hmmm...maybe dishes, sink, bowing, maybe even using the word bow as in boh.

I need a blessing for today, I need to bow before Him. I want to honor Him FIRST in my life. FOREVER.