Another Morning

Ok, another morning has thus dawned and it feels like one of those mornings where my mind is still going from...the rest of my life. I had a good day yesterday for the most part, but didn't get to go to my sign language meeting. I have mixed feelings about all of me. I feel like I'm spending valuable energy doing stupid things...because I get anxiety about it. It's hard to have anxiety and be knowledgeable about why and still have it. I'm reading this book where there are fleas everywhere and there are communal, probably very moldy, showers, and I feel like the most privileged, wasteful person because I end up spending a whole lot of freakin money for absolutely nothing. Then again, what did this girl do, but live?

Live. What does that mean? I am too stuck in my head right now, and that's what always happens in the morning when I don't have anyone around to stimulate me out of my own routine doings. I usually chew and spit food in the mornings, I'm not sure why. To pass time? Because I could easily open my book and start reading, buy my mind says it needs to wait to go outside, but it doesn't want to wait, and what is that over there, and I don't want to jump on the trampoline, it's too cold, my feet feel weird, maybe I should get some food, I don't want that, eww, oh, that'll hurt, that'll be too much food, too fattening, I don't like the nuts, but I should eat them, no. Thinks like that are what I do in the in-between of the mornings.

Watching the chinese adoption movie is good, but again, it's so much stimulation that I feel completely unready for, and nowhere near, and then I just need to "spit it out" because I don't know what to do with it. And then I think about how the people in my theater class would be grossed out and judge me, and how they are probably doing things they think I would judge, and I think about Kristen and how her brain is broken too, and how we're all going around like a toilet flushing, round and round and down and down, and I lose all focus on what I was hoping for and thinking about in a positive manner.

I think about relationships, this Philip Yancey, and Nicholas Davis and all these people, Seanloui, and I don't know what I feel, and I'm so used to blocking my feelings that any of them that wash up, I just ignore and go in the opposite direction, not bothering to even look at them. I would like to take a look at them, the first step to feeling them. I guess that monologue about wanting to be a girl again is a great place to start, because it'll give me a chance to move that into my view.

I hope that I can do this, only with the help of Jesus, because He's been through everything, every emotion, every dark place, and He acted perfectly, so I can just lean on Him. One thing I don't understand about that is how He acted perfectly and why is His burden light??? What does that mean? Does that mean if I give it to Him it should become easy? Or ... what? I see now more what it means to live with peace, grace, and love, and that I can look up to the people who do that. Because that is admirable, and it is more like Jesus. I want to become more like that in EVERY interaction, and it starts in my mind, with myself.

I missed seeing Michael a little bit. I'll admit, I was a bit attracted to him. He is a Bellezza model too, I saw on his profile for meetups. I don't know exactly what this world is doing. I want to let it take me down, but I want more than that to let Jesus take me and comfort me with His passion for God. (sighhhh) (deep breath) I don't know what today holds, but it is already blessed and I pray for gratefulness. And patience. And honesty. And excitement at the small things. In Jesus' name, Amen.