God Really Knows

So much better than me. He has given my heart a sense of hope in the darkness of uncertainty and I know what I want is to call out to Him and to listen for His voice in the rains. I want to take steps in faith, hope, and love, not fear or worry or expectation.

The past couple days have been a huge blessing. Going to Cirque Roots was one, going to the Rembrandt studios was one, the opera, the ballet was huge, I can't believe I was given that gift! And the acting class today was a gift, getting a text from Bean was a gift, getting to spend a few hours with Celeste was very big, and I didn't even expect that one bit. I thought it would be all the same, that she would be the same, because that's what I expected from the meeting, but she was fresh and new, unlike anyone has been to me in a long time. I tend to feel like things are dead, and I know that is ME and not the other people. I know that it's my own brain that doesn't detect the differences, subtle as they may be, in the changing environment around me. It is very similar to the thought processes of an aspberger's child I think, where you can only find a way in when THEY are in the right place.

It's sad to me, that I have been so closed for so long, but it makes me ETERNally grateful for the tiny gifts and the tiny pleasures, just by default. I can't go one moment without thinking of how amazing that ballet was, a french dance of song ballet, and I love that Celeste's bible group at the top of the Student Union on campus appeals to me. I want to not doubt my tiny desires, I want to follow the ones I trust, even though I know it might be hard to take in at times. I love Celeste's honesty, and I love her respect for my space, and that's how I can trust her with my time, in small increments. She has taken the time to let me have walls up, and the way she talks about loving others, I know that even when she's judgmental, it's out of a love and a desire to turn to Christ, which has been difficult for me to see in others because I'm afraid to let that be in myself. I wanted so badly to accept myself and my habits, that I kind of shut off my desire to change and let change happen all around me.