WHAT am I supposed...

WHAT am I supposed to do?

I really am honestly so very lost. I feel like the world has been pulled out from under me. And as exciting as it is, it is also a heck of a lot more frightening than I know what to do with.

I'm stuck in a quandary. I'm stuck in decisions. I'm moving through decisions should I say. What do I do??? Get a job, go to Pima, where do I take acting classes? I need the experience. I know I do. I'm a performer of sorts. YES. I need to practice my writing. There's one thing. YES. I need to practice my acting. I would like to practice instruments and I want to practice art and drawing and dance. I want to do it all, and I love languages...I just have no clue. I use language to stimulate me, but I don't really use it as a means to my happiness in the world. I don't use it with people that much. It seems to be, so far, a way for me to spend my time alone without hurting myself.



I just signed up for 2 classes in the Pima program. It would be 550$ and I would be going to school Mondays and Wednesdays. At the West and East campuses. I think that's a great opportunity. The fact that I have enough money for that and a teensy bit more is a gift. Then I'm torn between making more money and being a working actress in order to live in California. I mean, where am I supposed to channel myself right now? Where do I feel called? I know I feel called to study. Craft. I feel called to focus on my likes and let the hard things be hard while allowing myself to still need from my father. I am going to go ahead and say that I am much more of a working woman type like Katherine Hepburn. MUCH more of that. I love that lifestlye. I feel like I've been trying to make myself into a different kind of girl, and I'm just not.

BUT, it has stretched me to become more of myself in areas that I don't usually pay attention to, and I KNOW that is good and healthy. So...just what decisions to work on from here.

Today:
1) Read the rest of The Fault in Our Stars
2) Write some of the story with stuff from Thanks For Sharing
3) ballet and movement
4) Something acting, please...
5) It's Thursday, so maybe it would be good to stretch myself and go to group at Calvary. ........... Lord, please lead me in my desires and let today be today and your will be The Way. I want to follow you today and praise you and worship YOU and you alone. I know I don't understand this, but I desire to get better at it as I look to you.
6) Decide on some Pima things...talk with mom maybe?

Write for God, that's my job. Write, eat, sleep, exhale and inhale, be, dance, sing, laugh, cry, yell, and share for God. Whatever that looks like for me.

Do I want to go down to UofA to see the Photography?? Do I want to go to Fed By Threads? Do I want to get together with Bean? (I don't know why I don't want to!!! What is holding me from it? It feels healthy...strangely enough....)

Goal: Fuel and Use in direct proportion and let myself be, love myself there, here, and then and now.