1) Jephtha's daughter: Ok, so the king was kind of a loose cannon. He had ONE daughter. He went off to war, and in exchange for having God help him win one of his battles, he said he'd offer up as a sacrifice the person or animal that first greeted him upon his return home. Of course, his young daughter did. She handled it amazingly. We don't know her name, but she says, "If this is what you have said to the Lord, then it must be so. Give me 2 months out in the wilderness to mourn the loss of my never knowing a man, and be with my maiden friends, and then I will come back and you can fulfill this deed."
This teaches me two things mainly.
A) Don't make promises to God to get what you want. If it is His will, He will give it unto you. If it is not, you want to be in His will, so you wouldn't want whatever plan or desire to actually come true.
B) Women can be strong, even as small, virgin girls, they have a lot of power to face their fears.
"Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth ; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert."
2) Isaiah 43:19: Now, this is a great verse for me right now, because it FEELS as if there is nothing new, really new, in my life. I am doing things a teensy bit differently, sure, but it feels all the same on the outside, where it "matters" so much. BUT doesn't. So this verse implies that all I need to do is look around and it will be there, a river in the desert, roadways in the wilderness. I want to hang onto this verse today and just let that be.
I wonder what happened out there with her friends, mourning her virginity...did she bring some men out there and fool around? Did she really mourn for that time? What if there had been a scheme to replace her with the maidservant, and she actually kept on living and had guilt the rest of her days, but no one recognized her, not even her father. She would've stayed away from him, been excommunicated to her friends' houses until she found a man to marry? Or maybe in that 2 months they would've set it all up and she would've returned, unlawfully marrying a man who kept her for the rest of her life. And they would've traveled to neighboring cities and made friends with amazing prophets...ok, my imagination is running away with me. :)
3) Job findings: Ok, so a few things. One, I'm not sure Denise and the coffee will ever want me back. I wonder at if I have lost all of their respect. I feel as if I cannot approach Scott in the same way, with the same confidence. If he were to never say to me again, "you're doing a great job, there's no one as good as Shannon," then would I have it in me to believe that about myself even WITH the mistakes I have just made? Also, modeling for Inner Tie. Do I offer up my services again? Or do I write her back at all after having canceled? Or do I just leave it as is? What do I really want from life and from all this? Do I want to maintain her friendship and not model? Do I want to model? (No, I can already feel that waning. I don't care about seeing my face u on the website. I'd rather be behind the scenes. PRAISE THE LORD :) Now, do I go onto Craigslist and bum myself out by looking at job opportunities? Do I go to FedByThreads and offer myself up to them? Do I go to the coffee shop and see if they're hiring? Do I sit in my room and write and read and do things with my family for this time that I have? ....hmmm...may I have just answered my own questions by the grace of God?
4) yesterday's rape dreams: Ok, so I get a LOT of sex dreaming in the early hours of the morning. I find myself waking up to this heat and having to go pee may have something to do with it because the energy is heading down and out, like sex, but I still marvel at all the sex in my dreams because I don't consciously think about it during the day. At all! It's very subconscious. So having locker room sexy dreams, talking about the fantasies I have with sex, and getting raped are all different scenarios that happen when I am waking up from the mental activity going on at 3:00 in the morning. I don't know if I should write them out...I guess I should! The only reason I wouldn't is because my dad is a Christian author and I would never want to publish sex books under my name because how would that affect him and his career?
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| CO Hwy |
I feel like going up Mt. Lemmon today. To go pretend I have another life going on and I am so amazingly set in my femininity that I am meeting a man or something...no, that sounds icky. I want to romp in the grasses up there. OH I have to tell you...blog...that I had egg today so as to be able to mark new thoughts and new life and attribute it to that very step into the good, full world of being able to ingest eggs. A blood blister popped up on the inside of my lip immediately, which is just a teensy bit disheartening, for I know that down the line in my intestines, a bunch of polyps may form that have been lying still. Inflammation will go up, sending me into a bit of a frenzy mentally and physically, but through all of that, I hope some of the proteins will sink into me on a cellular level and I will be able to use them toward a healthy, forward goal.
Now my brain says it wants to travel to Colorado. I don't have the money Brain!!! Hush!
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