Decisions

I've decided to blog right before I leave. I don't know exactly where I'm going, but I know I need what my brain is calling "face time." I need people. To see me. For me to see. I think it's more of a lack of acclimating to the new no-job lifestyle on Sunday mornings. I at least have grown enough to know that I do need SOME thing, but not enough to know exactly what that something is.

I wanted to go to church, but it feels like a forced preconception of what I "think" I need. I want to need it for the right reasons. I want to not go just to maybe meet Tyler. That makes me angry at myself and not want to let myself try and meet him. Now Tyler represents males in general. This isn't about Tyler at all, it's about the representation of that next step, that desiring and accepting a male whom I love deeply and who deeply loves me.

I don't honestly want that in full yet. I can't say that I do. I want something different from what I have now, which is actually ALSO not true. I just want to be fully present in my moments with God and with people, and you can't be fully present and not be around people. I need to get out and feel like the world is alive and I am IN it, not that I AM the world. I am not, most certainly, big enough to encompass all that the world is.

The woman and man who just moved in upstairs scare me. They are sort of body-builder looking. Very broad shouldered and muscular, stout and hefty. Her face reminds me of an angular cartoon character in the military. He has tattoos, she has short, stringy hair...I don't know why they scare me. I'm a whisp of a person more than a heavy one. I like to wave around and not commit. They seem to be commitafreaks. Or maybe I'm reading into it all wrong. They just scare me a little.

OH! I wanted to share this photo.

I absolutely adore it. ADORE. It's amazing in pretty much every way. Her face, her hands, the flowers in the background. The quote is even amazing. I lover her dress and the pleats you see, the little gap in the white glove. Her pouty lips. It's where the eyes are drawn that are so attractive and pleasing to the eye. The rest is human. Flawed.

I followed a blog for like a day in order to find this photo, and then I unfollowed it, because she posted 7 posts a day or something inanely binding like that. It filled up my already full mailbox. I'm not sure whether to check on Erika or not. I feel like that is out of a need to see people and I want to more cement my needs here, rather than throwing them away out into the phone universe. I want to center, not centrifugally fall out of orbit.

Blah. Blah and blah again. I'm not sure what I need. The End.