One of the struggles I have is I haven't had a period in awhile. When I had some major hormonal/eating/illness issues I lost it, and now that I am working towards being ALIVE in the world, I want it to come back. For a long time all my mind could think was how I DIDN'T want it. It was too much, too much, too much. I didn't want to have to deal with the ups and downs of the emotions, the physical challenges of having a period, the need to eat more than I wanted to.
Now, as I'm moving forward (before it was more of a circular, cyclical hatred, self-immune disease) I want it again. I want the cascade of roller coaster so that I can enjoy the highs with abandon and let the lows take me as low as they need to, because now I have faith to hold onto. I have the rock of Jesus to believe in and I can honestly say I believe that beyond anything else in this world.
I've been building the healthy bacteria in my gut for a long time and I want to honor that by taking some more steps forward. It's so difficult for a perfectionist to move forward because it's difficult to let go of all that we can't control in ourselves. That's why this has been SO important, to let this unfold as it is in me, and let it all come out. Because that grows this compassion and ability to let others be themselves and be loved and forgiven. I just want to end up giving all the glory to Jesus, and I know He is guiding me and giving me all that I need every moment and day.
So embracing the ups and downs is what I'm working on. The up of going and having my dreams come true, a photo shoot, a response to my modeling page etc, and the downs of realizing I am still here, flawed, floundering in some ways, and working hard at things I'm not sure about.
My belief is enough. His love is ENOUGH. To handle my ups and downs, the worlds ups and downs, nothing is too much for Him to encompass in His everlasting arms. I want to find out more about His grace and mercy. I am constantly amazed at what I'm finding.
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