Relaxing

On the seventh day we're supposed to rest.

It's so difficult for me. Two things happened today. I got my pictures back, semi-undedited, from Jeramie Campbell and I liked them, but all the voices move in, especially when number two thing happens. My mom calls and asks about my "journey." She's writing out my journey and asks me questions about my timeline. It actually ends up helping, but upon first hearing her question about what I was feeling when I went to Mexico for the 2nd time, I balk and think, "don't ask me that. No one will understand."

It's a difficult thing: confronting your past, but it is as essential as breathing. The longer I run from it, the more I desire to go in abhorrent ways. Or in just aimless, patternless ways that don't aid in focusing me or helping my cause. I feel very tired of everything, my brain is struggling to focus, I'm just thinking about going to bed and when that will be. I'm excited to go to bed again, and take a walk, but if I need to walk, I need to be doing something while I'm walking. I need to get a movie at Redbox, but I just got a bunch of movies at the library which I probably won't even watch and I also have to pick up my books at the East Campus library of Pima. Oy. So much much much much.

I took my car in to get it worked on and I dressed nicely and I felt at home in myself which is so darn refreshing to finally be working towards wanting to be out there as I am no matter how thin, fat, ugly, beautiful, talented, or stupid I am. Just as I am.

My brother and I talked about that with his desire not to have his photo published on facebook when it's of him without his shirt on and his hair tied back. It has been about 10 years that he's been waiting for this moment, and I wanted to commemorate, and I know that I felt the same way: hide your body, hide the things you WANT to be proud of, hide yourself. When Denise has taught me that it feels good to be recognized for things you work hard at. She taught me that. I love her for that.

I'm going to ask Scott if I can work with them again...something is stopping me. I would be doing it for a few different reasons...it's difficult to explain. I want to move forward, I want a relationship, I want money. Conflict! Eeek!

Obviously this is more of a throw-up journal than it is a blog. Oh well, at least I know that someone COULD read my thoughts, I'm worthy of that.