For instance, already I have: made and eaten soup breakfast, had coffee, walked, hula hooped, done some abs, watched the rest of a movie, returned two movies to Redbox, visited the store, drove my brother to get his car, read for a half hour, made up a song (or half of one), critiqued my body, loved my body, emailed people, checked my email so that it's not overflowing (as much), eaten some more stuff, chewed a pack of gum and had some mints, had my mind and body feel like it's going to spin into the atmosphere surrounding Jupiter, ....and I think that's almost it. Checked facebook of course, written some of this blog post now...I am going to study some French and Chinese before the afternoon really gets underway, and I'd like to go to Rattlesnake Espresso to write some more...if Kristen or someone wants to come with me.
My mind is a buckwild horse, something completely un-hindered and wild, a stallion, and I am just realizing how sad it is that I have no one to really share it with, and to help me get it under wraps.
(A common theme in my writing...I guess I really want to say that a lot. Oh, no, I forgot, that's just my mind. It brings things up a whole lot until I listen...intently. I probably need to meditate. Because my mind is picking on my arms being floppy. And my hips for growing. I don't know why my mind would do that. Just let a girl grow up!)
Anywho, I've been listening to Christmas music this morning. And I think I might jump on the trampoline for a little bit more. I want to pass my time more efficiently, because one of my main goals is to become a movie star. I'll just say that. Although I need to work extra-super hard in order to get there, and I want to do it on a solid foundation of love for Jesus, myself, and others. I want to love others the way Jesus has loved me, and in order to do that I had to get in touch with where I was starting from, which was a sad, sad place. And I sometimes feel really far from that, and sometimes incredibly, sickeningly close. Sometimes both in the same moment.
Sigh...this life. This life.
I am a choosey person. When I was little I would only eat chicken nuggets and honey from McDonalds. Everything about the cheeseburgers made me gag. I hated them, the squishy, icky, plastic onions and bun, the pasty ketchup that was nothing more than slop, the block of cheese that tasted like the plastic wrap...everything. I liked the french fries because of the starch and the salt. Two of my favorite things when I was little. And I would kick my legs around, run around, be constantly in motion, and if I would concentrate, it would be with knife-like precision that would cut me to the core if I got anything wrong. I would stand up in my classroom to volunteer for EVERYthing the Mrs. McDonald wanted us to do. I'd run and get her paper towels, I'd walk around the classroom helping people who hadn't gotten their homework done. Jordan, a year older than me, but in the same class, would sometimes need help, especially when he stapled his index and middle finger together at the nail bed. I was impressed, not going to lie. He walked bravely to the pudgy nurse in the front office with a Dr.'s office bed lined with wrapping paper-like sheet of white sterile paper. I think he might have done it for the attention, maybe he didn't think it would actually work. All I knew was his freckles stood out on his gaunt, intelligent cheeks more that day, and the redness of his eyes drew me in like a lasso around the moon. He reminded me of a moon. Tides and wading pools would come and go to his movements.
Anyways, back to being choosey. Out of the many suitors I had in my elementary years, I chose no one. But Chris Kurtz was very special in that I took piano from his mom and therefore saw him even more often than the other boys, (although I had the other boys over for my birthday party when I was 8 and we all played basketball and ate a Bulls cake) which caused me to feel more intensely a desire to get his attention. Which I never thought I could unless I became more girly, although I DID enjoy writing I loOoOoOoOoOoOoOve Chris Kurtz over and over on notebook paper...I still only danced with him once in his R2D2 costume at the Halloween dance in 5th grade. That was before I left to change into some sort of monarch half-caterpillar-half-butterfly in Colorado.
Oy, there's so much information in the past. We could all go on and on about the good times and the bad times and the in-between times that make us up, and then we could all dream up billions of dreams. Why is it that we choose what to remember and what to dream about, and our thoughts will center around those choices. It becomes rote. When I drink coffee I think about Hollywood. When I smell potato chips I think barbecues I didn't enjoy. When I see models I think, ME! And after that pick at my desire.
Sigh. Life. :)
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