That Girl

Yup, I'm That Girl.

That girl who goes to bed early and wakes up early, before anyone else. Is it because I want to live in secret when others are sleeping? Because I could do that at night, but I don't like it. It feels dark. Morning darkness is different and promising. I like morning dark.

That girl who stays home while others love spending time around a bunch of people. I usually have some sort of gastrointestinal issue that makes me farty and bloated and I get self-conscious of things. I usually just want to crawl up in a ball and watch something on my computer. Lately I've been more wanting to create things. I used to just get through the evenings, basically holding on for dear life, because I was still suffering from mental and physical imbalances that were crippling. But now, it's different. I'm glad to be here, even if I have gas or don't want to go out. Before I would just spend my time feeling guilty about it all. Now I kind of poke fun at myself and try to lighten my own mood and just give it to God, no matter how flawed I am.

That girl who doesn't want to eat very much, looks at other people's body types and judges them and who they are based on what I see (in minute detail mind you, like a chinese doctor), who wants to be a model and contort her body and look really good in every photo and create photos that last because they leave an impression on your soul. But who wonders if she's bad because the "really cool" people don't care at all and just are able to eat whatever they want and do everything just perfectly because they aren't trying to do ANYthing perfectly. Which way is better, geez.

That girl who was smart and who now doesn't really do much to pay testament to that anymore. Even the math in the shoe store I was working in, I didn't do it. I didn't stay to work on the problems that were presented. I am that girl who wants everything to be easy and who runs from difficult situations...sometimes.

That girl who reads books that make her happy and have nothing meaningful to say, the ones that expound on outer beauty and sex and making it in the fashion industry or at work or in your relationships. Except that now I've had trouble letting the sexual/relationship parts out into my psyche as of late. Hopefully it's on its way back in.

That girl who looks up to her dad and wants his approval in the ways that make her feel appreciated and alive and a part of the world. And who feels it in church while she looks around at the other people and what they are doing, thinking, "what are they thinking," and other such thoughts, trying to be ok with not taking the communion and passing the plate right along.

That girl who goofs around with her brother all evening, watching youtube videos of friends from before and correcting each other's grammar.

Yeah,
I'm that girl.
Who cares. :)