Pride and Fall-udice

Well, Pride and Prejudice couldn't be the topic of my blog, since I wanted it to be about pride coming before the fall.

Proverbs 16:18

I feel like I've been prideful. Modeling. I feel like I've said that I don't have to be what everyone else is and work hard at life and eat lots of things and get down and dirty. I feel like I've taken a hiatus from that in order to heal one part of myself, but then I just feel like I was being prideful! And that I shouldn't be myself.

Wait a second. Let's try to work out these thoughts.

Here comes my attempt at a monologue...

Why can some people look like they do, take in what they do, and act like they do, and be totally loved for it, and then others get killed? I watched a play the other day, The Laramie Project, and I don't know, I guess something broke in me. I feel so "wrong" all the time. Like gay people are "wrong," and then this young, smart, good-looking gay kid gets killed for being himself, and I don't know what to do with all of this world! How can anyone blame me?! I'm a young girl, I'm trying to be myself, which is a very attention-seeking person, I can't help it! I could try and say that I'm humble and only want to help others, but that's not true. I really do want a lot of limelight, and I feel TERRIBLY guilty for that. I feel as if that voice that says, "fat woman, sit on the couch and EAT!" is coming at me. That voice that says, "Faggit, go fucking rot in a hole!" is yelling at me. It's so brutal! This world!

I am afraid of being seen, and yet all I want is to be seen. I don't understand myself! I am trying to work WITH myself, WITH my family, WITH this world, but I keep on running into conflict, and I honestly don't know what to do. Even when I try to keep on track with God, I feel far away from Him. How am I supposed to be myself when that keeps me so far from Him?? What can I do Lord? What can I do...?



Matthew Shepard (above)

Ok, so that's an absolutely terrible monologue, but it IS what goes on in my brain. The reason I wrote this is because Laura Tanzer just posted pictures of me and my arms are bare. I have this incredible insecurity about my arms. As long as my arms are covered in photos, I'm fine, but then if my arms are bare, I'm just thrown to my own dogs. I feel like I'm uncovered as an anorexic, bulimic whore who hates people and is asking for people to throw tomatoes at her.

I also just talked with my brother and I felt all close with him and then I mention LA like it's the final frontier, and he just totally shuts me down. I'm so tired of myself. I don't want to talk about it but it seems to ALWAYS slip out when I'm talking with him! I don't have to move there, but whenever he talks about his dreams it seems so Obvious to me! I don't know if that's the right decision though. There's something more than even I could dream...that's what I used to tell myself when I was driving in Colorado. I lived alone in an apartment and I was throwing up for fun. I would go take a hike to get away from myself, and then I would come back, eat as much as I could, and throw it up. I was so out of touch, and I've come so far...it's still building, but I remember the time back then...I held on so tightly to the belief that there would be something more, HE is something so much more than I could imagine...

Faith. Faith. Hope and Hope. I need all four. In spades. Forgiveness. Grace.

Lord, let my feet follow you because my heart feels the explosive light that is emanating from you. No matter what gets in my way. Even, myself.

In Jesus' holy, alive name,
Amen