Last Night

There's no way to craft last night into a work of art really. I'm getting more and more desire to really be creative about my experiences and my life. I don't want anymore of this bull about doing it for other people, like sales and even modeling loses a lot of its luster after having published some pictures. I don't really enjoy that at all. I want the excitement of producing things that I'm really proud of because of hard work and because of a shared common goal. I think that's what I'm missing out on in the end. It's the wanting of fame and superiority, untouchability, that is actually causing anything I do to wane in splendor.

Today I have a few things on my to-do list:

1) See the new One Direction movie at the cheap theatres

2) Do laundry

3) Write, be productive with my inner life as much as I have been TRYing to be with my outer life, and only semi-succeeding. The inner life productivity will be what makes the outer life feel longer lasting and real

4) Take care of myself and offer time to others

5) Open and eat some sauerkraut

6) Maybe dust my desk

7) Read some more of Le Tartuffe- Moliere, Master Class- Dean Carey, Almost Heaven - Chris Fabry (dad), and a little bit of Memories, Dreams and Reflections by CG Jung.

8) Ballet, walk, maybe shop for Ryan's present in 3 days.



Thanksgiving is on Thursday, Ryan's birthday is on Friday, Kristen has a date on Friday, and I have a date with my inner self. Which is actually a very meaningful date and I'm super excited about having it to be honest. :)

Last night I went over to my family's house and spoke French with the B-boy, watched the Voice with everyone, and had major intestinal cramps from eating mom's soup. Sad day. I definitely have my own way of eating and I'm not entirely sure what the difference is between our soups, but all I know is it's different enough to cause a huge monkey to form in the pockets of my abdomen and for it to kick and struggle its way through in painfully irritating ways. It felt like a bulbous opening ruptured in a small way. Very strange, and it made me very glad I don't try hard to eat there all the time. I yelled at Brandon by the end of the night and was entirely too insensitive about his being a bit hyper. I feel terrible because he deserves ALL the support in the world to go channel his energy in positive ways, but when he is yelled at for having too much energy it completely deflates him and pulls all his creativity right out of him. I dislike all the energy that surrounds him sometimes, and I just pray he gets the outlets he truly deserves. (Totally a projection, very sad, very true.)

Oh man, my mind in the mornings is like a cave full of dinosaurs. Don't put them together, you're going to get a slew of carnage and not very tasteful happenings.

Why am I so tired of modeling already? Why do I lose interest so quickly? I pray I can really do things for the beauty of them and for God. That's most important. Maybe I just need to sit at home and read and write, like my mom and dad, and just let that be the end of it.

I'm going to try that for a couple weeks, see where it gets me.