Courage

What is courage? And what is wisdom in courage?

So, this is my example of my inquiry:

I have the opportunity to perform a monologue at a Phoenix event for artists, and I am not sure whether or not to go.

First of all, I don't have any experience (except for my stint in terrifying performances in 7th grade with my speech team...which I loved) performing. Ok, fine, that's not true. I have experience, but in my mind it is not nearly enough.

Second of all, it's far away. A 2 hour drive and I don't know if I want to conquer my fear when it will take so much effort. I know I COULD do it, but is it wise to spend my energy there. I have learned that I have limited energy, and I am coming to terms with that, but what do I do with what I do have? Where do I allot my time?

Third, I am scared out of my mind to do something like that. It takes my heart and wrenches it around and throws it down to the dogs. Being in front of people I don't know, being in the spotlight on stage, alone...putting my emotions out there for people to see (in another "character" mind you, but still it feels like myself).

(The punctuation and grammar in those sentences is terrible, but I'm going to forge ahead.)

Fourth, I am unsure as to whether I would write a monologue myself, about mental illness or eating disorders or something to do with things I know...or to find one out of a movie I want to be in. After writing those two options, I would choose the former in a perfect world. But THEN, that presents the difficulty of having to write it. Something I am already afraid to do because I don't want to put my voice out there to be bashed, heard even, loved, or anything...because there is responsibility in that and I am a responsibility-phobe.

Every monologue I come across is about divorce or painful relationships or something of the sort, and I am simply too different and outside of mainstream to connect with those...which would again make the writing of my own monologue sort of mandatory and thrillingly refreshing.

Hmmm...maybe I should draw from inspiration.

One of my desires is to become a model. I love the edginess, the creativity, the surreal aspects that put you in a different world and transport the viewer to where you are. I want to do that. And maybe this is just the first step.

...ok, fine. You talked me into at least trying.

I'll let you know how it goes.

:)