April 1st

It's April Fools Day and I don't really feel like fooling around. I am feeling tired of all this action, all this living. It is in me to just push and shove all this in, and I don't like that about myself. Lately I've been eating a LOT of lettuce. I really really like it. I like my salads. I like not having very oily, chunky foods. I don't know how long that will last. I like having cooked for Ryan and Megan last night. Toasted, Sprouted Quinoa, seared chicken, salad with tahini vinaigrette dressing, and a creamy avocado dessert with berries and some stevia. It was an overall pretty bland meal, with some taste here and there. Heavy with oils. I went heavy on the olive oil. Ryan was a little worried about it being heated beyond its temperatures. I don't know about that. It had cilantro and some parsley, some lemon, and we also made some more "gushers" as I like to call them as of now. :)

I am meeting iwth Sarah and my verse group today, and maybe Kendra, and Seanloui later. I don't know how I feel about that. I don't really like the whole idea of modeling anymore. It's annoying to think I'll have to be subjected to this whole standing and moving thing, but I think it's important to try this out and see what this brings. I can be myself, I can be not so super excited about it. I don't mind that. I feel fatter, larger, able er, and I don't know how I feel about it. I like it on one hand. I love it. Because it's getting me closer to being able to travel and be and live with others. That's what's important. But it's hard because I'm having to cast aside my old views of myself and life. I'm having to be someone different from who I thought I would be.

I am excited for French things, the April 12th poetry reading, the meetings we have every week. I will miss Thursday's class, we had it yesterday instead. Next we'll be in the CrizMac, which makes me a little sad. I've grown attached to the tiny house that we've been meeting in. I am glad Claire has the ability to do what she wants and go where she needs to go. Now I am just trying to decide what to do to get ready for Sarah and I's walk. I don't know why it's so hard, but it is. I feel a little bit doubty about it. She and I are great for each other's release of the little girl sides of ourselves, I think that is what I most enjoy about it. I don't feel a real strong liason moving forward, but that's just me.

I'm trying to wait and listen for God's voice on money issues. I don't really know what it all means. I don't think making 1200$ in 3 months makes it important for me to claim for taxes. I think I would like to move up, get a more independent mindset, but all in all I was sick for a long time, and am only just now getting to a point where I can look forward and see an able-bodied me.

I am not as focused on my teeth the past few days, or rather my gums. I tried to just let God have my fears and worries on that. Letting them be there in me, trusting in His provision. Same with my period. Yesterday I felt a heaviness in my vaginal area and a little bit of discharge was there, but no blood or anything. I am aiming for August. I want it back by then, regular, clean, clear, open, loving blood being shed every month just like my father in heaven sent Jesus down for. I can see each month as a gift to Him, the blood within me being shed for His goodness being spread in the world.

Lord, I pray I begin to embrace the blood within me, the heightened senses, the fears, the humanness, the awkward and unholiness of your fallen seed, and I pray I let you plant me. Let me watch myself grow nad learn and flourish in whatever way you have made me. Let me have the down-times, the times where I am wilting. Let me reach up to the sun and son like you have made me desire. Let me accept your water, living water of your love and grace, and let it caress my soul. Please help me to stomach life, live inside my body and my mind with love and forgiveness. Above all, forgiveness and love. Let me look to you, focus on you, read your word, and through that, be given the words of life so that I may understand your face in a new way. Help me let go of my past and all the sadness and wretching. Let me look with love and fresh eyes on my present and future. Let me love others as you have loved me, and let others be drawn closer to you because of your work in me. Let me let go of my worldly desires slowly, finger by finger, and hold onto your love with all of my might as I learn what it is and looks like in this world.

Help me express. These things. This life. Help me give to others in my expression.

In Jesus' name,
Amen!