Helping Out

I've found that in family "helping out" is not really desired. Most of the time when someone in the family shares something with you, it is JUST to share it with you, and if you have something to say about it, keep it to yourself. Also, keep yourself to yourself. Anything that might be you, hide it under a rock. At least if you don't want to get castrated emotionally. That goes for EVERYone in the family. If you present something to someone, you're going to get chomped on.

Case in point, these two happenings today:

1) My brother and I talking. "I'm not even excited about the roastery, I'm excited for the possibility of this movie. They have been sending out notices and it's even at a good venue, the auditions." He looks at me with those big, hazel eyes, and for whatever reason I go on defensive. "Where is it?" I say, leaning up against the outside counter of our apartment kitchen. I wipe away a smudge on the staines white wall countertop. "Makerhouse." "Oh! Cool, yeah, that's nice. Have you been there?" "No..." "Yeah, so it's pretty old, but.." he looks at me, mocking me and raising his eyebrows. 'I'm not going to listen to you' his eyebrows say. I stop mid-sentence. I shirk the emotions of shame, sadness, jelousy, expectance and everything else that goes through my belly and mind, and I turned abruptly and stomped off goofily instead of facing those emotions with him watching me. I closed my door. Not wanting to let him down and not wanting for him to rip me open. It's like the voices in our minds.

2) I look at my sister, because tonight is her Wedding Party with her girlfriends and sisters, and she looks back at me like a little girl excited to receive her presents. "Are you excited?" "Yesss." She tucks her chin down and sort of giggles. "Do you want to drive with me?" She asks. "Oh! umm well I was thinking you would want to drive separate because you could stay with your friends and not worry about me." I say. "Oh, ok." She looks down at the dishes she has turned to do. "I just hate driving alone. I'll just drive alone though. It's fine, I'll have to pack up all my presents anyway and everything." I didn't really say anything. Yeah, I figure you're going to want to stay longer and not have to worry." I repeat myself, hoping it makes sense this time and that she will suddenly decide I'm right. But instead she returns to her room quietly. I kind of shrug and think, "well I'm trying to be nice to you really, so I'm surprised you'd think differently. Trust me, you'll be glad." 

Of course, later I called mom and asked if she would want to drive with Erin, and of course she said yes, being the selfless woman that she is. So I told Erin, who was talking on the phone with someone and I waited at her door as she said, "Oh my gosh, that's crazy." "Hey, Erin, do you want mom and Kaitlyn to drive with you?" She shrugged. "Sure."

Mission accomplished.

But as I said, whenever you bring something up to your family it is shot down, just because that is the nature of LIFE. LIFE says let ME live, and Jesus says let LIFE live, and I will die. That is where I would be shooting for, after I find my Self in all of it, so I know what is dying as I know the insides.

Also, today at Trader Joe's a man said, "Are you an actress?" I was a little shocked, his hispanic accent thick, and his pretty, male, hispanic face shining happily at me. "Ummm...I'm trying to be. How'd you know??" I looked at him incredulously. "Well, you look like, um, you know, Brad Pitt? Yes, his wife." I was so happy. I shines happily at him. "Thank you!! That made my day!" "Haha! Yeah!" He jumped around a little as I left, and I was a happy little puppy.

Now, just to watch and prepare for Erin's bridal shower. I'm praying Jesus works miracles in that room. That he opens her up to accepting our love, no matter the form. I pray He works through me even when I'm a selfish, selfish woman. I pray I can give, even in my neediness, and that is what is so important.