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I had theater class yesterday and we practiced the scene from Importance of Being Ernest. I had fun doing it, and I'm excited to make a character out of Gwendolyn, embrace the things she's all about and make them come alive.

Right now I'm watching "Leaving," a French film with Kristin Scott Thomas. She has a lot of sex in this one, which makes me uncomfortable. I don't like films to be explicit about sex, I'll be honest. I would rather they make it about something else, but I guess all the free ones on Netflix are about sex.

I saw TD yesterday, in Whole Foods with his sister, and I wasn't really all that attracted to him. I'm seeing, "what is attraction really?" I don't like sharing it with my mom, I ned a friend I can talk with about it I think. Someone like me who believes in God and Jesus and who struggles with sex and feeling ok about it. That's what I need to find...today is the college group at Calvary, but I have a ticket to the Loft for The Young Ones, a Sundance Film Festival film.

I understand the desire for something and then feeling guilty afterwards, but I'm not completely in my body enough to be ok with sex. Why? and what makes it come alive and why? What for and how? Ugh, it seems so degoutant to me.

I'm going to try to read "Leaving Mother Lake" today. I want to get through at least half of it, maybe more??? It's stories like that...I wonder how I would be a part of them. I guess on the stage I could be painted up like a chinese woman, but mostly not. I am white and about as white as can be. Ha!

Lately all I can think about is espresso! I'm a huge espresso fiend all of a sudden. I don't know what that means or how to deal with it. Do I let myself have some or do I not because I know I'm not very good at controlling myself?

I think my mind is trying to get away from the pain of not having another. An other half. I don't want it to mean that much to me, but it does. I thought if I cut it out of my life and just didn't give it to myself, then not having it wouldn't hurt so bad. But I am not whole without another, and I am finding there is something my family cannot give me that I search for. I pray I get to participate in my family but also have my own love, my own life, my own home in someone else. I pray that I choose life, a life I love, and that I can deal with what comes because of the shared love I find.