Psalm 34:8

"O taste and see that the LORD is good ; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!"

I feel like most of the time I taste and spit out. I don't taste and see, taste and let it sit, I taste and spit it out, turning my eyes from the brightness of His spirit because I feel inadequate, scared, judged, and naked. I think the newness of being a little more fully woman is difficult to swallow. I see the word blessed in this, and I think...If I can just hang on a little longer in faith, then I will be able to see the fruits of that labor. I just need to keep walking in faith even when it seems like it's not the right way to go as compared to the world. I feel alone in this. Alone in this body. And alone in my transgressions. I feel alone in the feelings of wallowing and blah. I feel undiscovered and left. 

I hate feeling left behind. I would do anything not to be left behind by my family when I was little. My older sisters would do things and instead of just sitting there to be left behind, I would find something to occupy me and take away my feelings, hurt, loss, sadness, anger (anger especially, rising out of pain that is unseen), of being the youngest, of not being able to do what they do.

Now I can do anything, everything, and I am, sort of. But in the moments at home where I feel bad for not writing 3 pages yesterday, or for not eating the turkey I portioned out for myself, for disobeying God in one way or another, with my mind wandering while I'm reading the bible, or my desire not to feel still getting in the way of EVERYthing I feel like...in those moments I lose confidence in the One True King, because I take my eyes from Him. But this verse says: Blessed is he who takes refuge in Him. If I go run to Him and take refuge in Him when I fail, I am blessed! Not outwardly maybe, but in my soul, my soul is blessed, amen!

So here is my dilemma. What do I do when I make mistakes with food? It feels so unknown as to what is a mistake or not. I think I will go with Denise. Each step is a step, and you learn. It's not right or wrong with something like finding your voice and hunger in it all. I am so ashamed of my hunger, but I don't need to be. I can let myself be who I am, and hopefully bless those around me. 

I read about Abigail today, and Michal yesterday. They were David's wives at some point in time, both of them having other husbands before or after David...Abigail was wise, and she saved herself. Her husband Nabal was killed by God, who struck him down after a meal, with a heart attack, because of his selfishness towards David. Abigail gave of her fortune to David, as David asked, but Nabal did not. Abigail was rewarded by becoming one of David's wives in the palace, and Nabal was killed. 

I will write up a soap idea for this.

May Jesus be with me today. Grounding and focusing me. Providing me with energy and intelligence in my brain, with hope and faith in Him in my heart, and with love for the people around me. Lord, help me with the boy thing. I need you. Help me with the body thing. I need you. Help me with my life thing. I need you.

In Jesus' name, Amen!