Let it Roll

Alright, let's let this roll on out. I have
Today:
1) French at 3:40 - 5:30
(this is a hump to get over in and of itself. I don't normally stay out late, as I've probably mentioned at least 18 times to anyone who knows me, and so even the thought of this is a hump to overcome)
2) Finish Much Ado About Nothing
3) Study some chinese and write some characters
4) Watch something?

I have tried to see if I can do this: balance my time on my own. Eat accordingly. Love life enough to ENJOY what I take in and feel nourished. This has been a strange experience, the art of getting to love oneself. What a beautiful journey, so wrought with hatred and self-loathing. I am so glad to be beyond the stage where I don't know whether or not I am worthy of life itself.

I have also signed up for a chinese instrument course that is actually really exciting. It's through the U of A outreach to the community programs, and I am really looking forward to learning an instrument again. It's called a Zhuzhang or something like that, and it is a stringed instrument that you play on your lap. It's I think 12 Fridays this semester and I really hope I enjoy them. I need to have faith in myself to do it, like eating meat. I want to enjoy it and love it and process it well. That takes energy and being open.

Two things that I haven't been quite full of in the past and are now making a reappearance in my life.

One thing that has been a little difficult is having Nick text me again. It's like someone scratching me with a hot poker. Not even just poking me, really clawing at me. I am able to get beyond it (thankfully) because of these other decisions in my life, but it is something I don't feel I've totally learned to handle yet. It feels big and emotional, something to help move this block within me, and I don't know how it will end up. It feels very out of control, and I'm just praying I can get through it and really be present in my emotions throughout whatever process this is.

Tomorrow:
1) Get some chicken at whole foods to boiiilllll
2) Get my hair done...maybe I should cancel that??? Ugh, no, it has been a big week, I deserve it.
3) Go to Cotton On to get some cotton comfortable clothing. For romping around.
4) Think more about job possibilities...or just focus on what I have in hand. Yeah, probably focus. I need to continue to learn to nourish, love, and be myself.

Ok, Lord, all of this for you. Help me today to look beyond myself and enjoy the presence of others in my life. Let this be a learning experience. Help me open myself up and be vulnerable, loving, and professing your love for me. Let me become like bison meat, tender to the touch, nourishing to the stomach and organs. Jesus, you are my savior and you lived the life I never could. Thank you for your greatness here on earth. Help me accept your gift with love and affection. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Also I pray for Ryan, Megan, Reagan, Kristen, Kaitlyn, Colin, Brandon, Mom, Dad, Erin, Derek, Erika, Morgan, Ashley, and everyone else I know. In Jesus' name, Amen.