Cleaning

Ugh! I greatly like cleaning. It feels so good. But in the middle of it you feel disgusting and impossibly behind, even though no one is measuring but you.

My goals for the coming year are written out, and I guess in the writing of them, they leaked into my soil, sprouted little seedlings of clean-it-outs, and helped fuel me. I think the extra shots of decaf espresso helped me a lot (from Sparkroot), the green tea helped, and now the decaf coffee help...that's pretty sad, but I guess pretty normal at the same time.

Sparkroot in Tucson, AZ

I'm watching High Noon, with Grace Kelly and Gary Cooper and some other dudes...it's actually Really good! I don't know what they're saying, mis-cast. I don't think Grace has any problem fitting the part...unless I'm not understanding her part just yet.

I found a few bugs in my drawer today, while I was cleaning. And let me tell you, that will teach me to keep food for a long period of time in my drawer! Yuck!! Reminds me of the time they found lice in my hair. I felt terrible. And you know, other than the fact that anyone can get lice, I partially attribute it to my mom and dad having 5 kids at the time and not being able to clean everything, keep track of everyone, and give us enough attention to keep us properly nourished in mind and body.

Grace Kelly in High Noon

I don't blame them at all, if it hadn't been that, it would've been something else that brought the same misfortune. I could've lived in a different family and felt the same missing even if I were the only child.

One other thing: I think I've been living in a very co-dependant way (which I was sort of aware of) and I'm moving more and more to being independent. It's a tough, ugly road and I desire much more than I let myself feel.

Desires:

Big doors, wide open spaces, high ceilings, a channel for my energy.

Things I need to sort through:

What my capabilities are, where I want to get to, where I am, who I serve, why I serve, how I serve.