Babysitting Foul-Up

Ok, so I had to write about this.

Two days ago I had a babysitting rendez-vous scheduled with Makena and Ryder at Jena's house. Denise had already paid me $20 for it and I had already texted her that I was as excited as the kids. Ugh, even recounting this is hard for me.

I made a mistake, that's all. That day I was having Intense abdominal symptoms of gas, bloating, fatigue, foggy mind etc. I know it was from the extra doses of probiotic that I have been taking, and I also know that I wasn't taking in enough fat in order to let those probiotics set very well.

My scheduled arrival time for the rendez-vous was 5:30. At 3:55 I called my mom about GAPS questions because I MADE myself read the article about eating disorders over again. She consoled me, informed me, and then supported me in not doing the babysitting. She agreed,

"You're in crisis. If you had the flu, you wouldn't want to be around them! People just don't understand the "absence" syndrome. It is an illness of absence and there's nothing we can do about it but build slowly over time! You had bombs go off in your intestines. Is Jena going to understand that? No. But you can own that and say that you are sick!" I nodded, knowing this to be true.

"In three hours you are going to be so glad you aren't there with those kids. You're going to look back and think, phew!"

"You're right, you're right. Ok, I better let her know, I'll call you back." I texted Jena that I had been trying to feel better but I just felt awful, and she was more than a bit miffed.

"Is Kristen available?! Oh, what a bummer!"

I couldn't believe that at 24 I am the one canceling last minute and being unreliable. I never, ever wanted to be that person. I'm a perfectionist by nature, and if I could force myself to be everything at once, I would do it.

"I know, I'm so sorry!" I texted.

I left it at that and texted Denise, my boss.

"Denise, I'm so sorry, but I had to cancel last minute and I will give you the $20 back if I see you on Saturday."

She was silent for more than a few minutes.

"Ok. If you're not feeling better by Thursday I can find someone else for the market."

"Ok, thanks Denise."

I called my mom back.

"Ugh! I feel terrible!"

"Trust me, in a few hours you're going to be fine. If Denise has a problem with it she's too close. Jena can handle this. You're sick."

As much as I believe all those things, I still feel insanely pressured to be perfect and I'm so sad that I had to let them down. Being Denise's "little angel" as she calls me gets to be a heavy load if I can't perform what little tasks she asks of me. The major problem is me presenting myself as just fine and able when I'm really just a struggling GAPSy person.

Ugh, I need to find words to describe my GAPSyness because then I'll be able to ground myself in it rather than reaching out to become other people in order to cope. I love acting, but that's where it gets me in trouble.

So that's my babysitting foul-up story. Now I'm off to mail "The Educated Heart" to someone in California. $12 for that. Yay.