Gainster Squad: Flowers in the Winter

I'm watching Gangster Squad this morning...not exactly expected. From me. In the morning. Well, let me be honest. I more half-watch movies like this. Paying attention to the moments that might inspire acting in me, and leaving the rest of the bloody, gruesome, action to waft away in the background. Probably not the best idea seeing as it still affects me I'm sure. I snack on mulberries and teafee in the morning. (Teafee is my version of coffee with chicory root, peony root, licorice root and stevia, combined with a few other elements like burnt orange peel and chamomile flowers.)

This morning I've stumbled across pictures of stars on set, and I'm burning to be one of them. As I burn, the voices rise higher and higher of image consciousness and anti-self remarks. I'm too this, and too that, and not enough this and not any of that. I don't have the chops to stick it out on a set. Don't care enough about the characters that are in modern day movies. I think those voices are sort of true, but I'm not seeing the whole picture. I miss a lot of things when I just decide things.

Yesterday I went to Calvary Chapel and he talked about abortion, apologizing, changing your set ways. How it isn't impossible even though it feels that way. I think I believe I can't change or don't want to, then the guilt and trapped feelings grab me and keep me more incapacitated than before.

Flowers in the wintertime, that's what I'll be.

I'm scared. For next week. Sunday. I go up to Phoenix for my very own photo shoot, and I am scared I'm too fat, not tall enough, not enough of a model to have won this award. I remember winning Nigel Barker's contest for Beauty Equation and not really thinking another thing of it. But now that it's more in my own life, physically present, then I doubt even more. I pick apart my body and my appearance without giving myself love an dcredit. When all I need is love and credit.

My goal today is to set myself up for success. Loving myself through things and choosing what I want to do, what sets me apart and on fire for God's green earth. I want to see the good things that I sometimes miss. I get so caught up in the intricacies of my meager existence. It's important to pay attention, but not get caught in it. I want to bless the things that I usually curse in myself. Let them be used, let them feel precious and real.

Hopefully that will make today instrumental in the orchestration of things I desire to be and do.

I'll be my own Gainster Squad, with the help of the people around me.