Almost Heaven

My dad's book, Almost Heaven, is on my reading list right now. I'm reading that, Le Tartuffe, Master Class, and other various sundry of books. I am enjoying Almost Heaven more now than in the beginning.

One thing that is very uncomfortable for me is this ever-presence of my father's voice and struggling to separate my own from his. So in reading his books there is this incredibly strange feeling of getting closer to him and his mind, which he tends to hide like skin boils and tears, and also getting his teaching voice in my head. I don't really know if that feels uncomfortable because I'm not used to it, or if I genuinely dislike it.

Either way it is turning out to be very healing and necessary. I read his words, the story that unfolds, and even when I disagree, I am covered in a love that I have been missing. Not because he withholds it from me but because as I grow older I separate naturally from him, and lose the father-daughter closeness of youth.

In the story the main character is frustratingly stagnant. Just like me. I find that reading about a character who doesn't wish to be in a relationship except with his work is forcing me to accept this about myself. Normally I can just pass it off by not looking into my past and not really looking inside a whole lot, just focusing on the present situation, usually looking at what is wrong with what I'm doing and still doing it. Today has been a nice break from that. Mostly forward thinking with an emphasis on focusing on my mistakes and changing them slightly so I can deal with the nuances just a teensy bit better.

I find this very comforting because I feel called, in love, rather than forced, in pressure and anxiety, to accept things in the world as God has laid it out. I can accept things in my own way and hopefully I will learn to walk closer with Jesus every day because He is so much more beautiful the more I get to know Him. He's just more and more real every day, even when my mind is out of sorts and feels disconnected from that Truth.

I'm very blessed. That's all I have to say. Praise God.