Giving Blood for Life

Ok, so really quickly I want to just express myself on here since I'm having a hard time processing all these emotions that are making their way to my surface. I recently was contacted by Seanloui, and I emailed him back with the information he needed and asked about him and if he wanted to meet up for coffee and chat, but I regret it. I feel like I'm asking for a beating in my emotions because I want so badly for relationship, and I want to be present with someone, but then I go ask for Seanloui who is Distant, Selfish, Short (in terms of response), and a whole bunch of other things I don't want. But my vagina has been waking up of late and I feel all of these things and that just popped out of my fingers! To ask him to coffee, what the heck, I don't want to be subjected to...I don't even know what. I feel morose, a whole ton of emotions just flooding my brain over and over again, the sadness, the desire, the newness of all these feelings, it feels overwhelming.

I have been having dreams about Garret, about other things, that are really vivid, and not necessarily troubling as much as they stick, like glue to my brain, and then circulate with my thoughts, bringing around these emotions again and again, of helplessness, doing things wrong, expectation, unfulfilled release, I just feel like there isn't any...I'm meeting with Kendra today and I don't want to. I just want to live in my own fantasy world where my ties in Tucson don't exist, and I can feel like I'm back in World War 2 with the characters of Winter of the World. I'm supposed to meet up with Bean on Friday...basically I don't feel like any of it. I don't feel like doing anything happy, not because I ... I'm not exactly sure why. There's this pull towards doing things alone and peace inducing that aren't anything like what I was doing before.

But THEN I look at pictures of Buffalo Exchange, of Jessie Crocker, of Laura Tanzer's clothing, and I get ... jealous? Desirous? I don't want to miss out, I don't want to be left out. I don't want to not be there. But I don't want to be there either. It's strange. I know that will come back around eventually, actually I can envision it feeling really strong and fun and real in the future. I can see the process being more my speed, more handle-able, more inspiring than tiring. I think my brain is just tired of people and THEIR emotions. I want to clue into my own, which is really healthy and really difficult for my brain to turn inward.

I want to be able to write about CHARACTERS in a flow, but I find myself drawn to my own emotions or the outside happenings or something like that, and the flow of the divination of a character's story is interrupted. I know that God will teach me my process and that eventually it will round itself out and be accessible when it is needed, but for now it's scary how interrupted I feel a lot of the time. My stream of consciousness is still waking up I think, and that stream has been less than a trickle at times, so it's taking awhile to work up to a full on river. It's going to take awhile before it's raging, but sometimes a river become a tributary, branching off and becoming LESS powerful, before it reaches the ocean. I guess that's what I'm looking for. The spreading out of my energy to the existing parts of myself, is actually the water finding a common source from which to draw all the essential energies of my being. The deepest and most powerful parts. It's just so dark down there. And so mysterious. I think I need to believe in the deep, dark blood that will hopefully be falling from my uterus soon.

I desire steadfastness on that, and a true connection with what a miracle it is, to give blood for Life.