Drawing from the Past

I'm not very good with drawing from memory. That goes for actual drawing with a pencil and the kind where you just intellectually draw from. I had dinner and dessert over at the house with the family for my dad's birthday and it felt exactly the same as a couple years ago. Except I didn't spit out as much fiber!! I had SO much lettuce it should be illegal, and then ate some of the cake my mom made. It was DELISHious. Avocado, almond, cacao and even a palm shortening frosting. My mom is really learning how to incorporate healthy fats. It's been a struggle for her her whole life.

My dad ate a Joe's Crab Shack meal with fish and shrimp and it was actually a lot of money for what it was. I could've cooked something similar sans gluten for him easily for under $30, which was what it came out to be. I gave a tip to the black girl behind the counter with her long artificial nails with purple and silver glitter. I felt so out of place it was hilarious to me. These big black girls, big boobs, big black hair, as she scooted over for me to pick up the ingredients at the counter. She stared at me a little bit. I definitely wasn't one of them. Their tight Joe's Crab Shack shirts. We all live in our own worlds I suppose.

It was a bit of a wake up call. Afterwards I went to Fry's and got him a card, watermelon, and some lettuce for me. I ate frantically, I could feel my mind scraping at its walls, and I thought maybe it was because I had so much emptiness due to my illness a couple days ago. I'm trying to get better at nourishment, I really am. I hope God sees that.

At Whole Foods before hand I got chicken breast with the bone in (I don't know if that's what mom wanted, she seemed a bit miffed when she picked at it and said, "They don't like the meat until it's falling off the bone." I said, "they can just stirfry it or something." The soup I made was too small, I saw the panic in her eyes, slight, but still evident. Would there be enough? That is always the question in our household.)

So at Whole Foods, I felt terrified. My comfort of always being the one who is above, or separated or something, was thrown off. My balance felt off, I felt at the precipice of something. This guy I've seen in there a couple times now, he has long, pony tail-ed light brown hair, passed me and followed me. I was captured by the fact that he held my gaze. It hurt my heart, and I felt my heart beating faster, or more strongly, than it has in a long time. My head was taken out of the occasion for a moment, and my heart took over and it gave me a rush, an unsure motion, I had to fan my face with my hand.

I felt crazy. Truly crazy. That it could happen that quickly, to be taken in by someone else's glance. I'm still rattled because of it, and I don't think anyone can truly know how much that affected me and how I'll never be the same. It sounds overly dramatic, but that's truly what happened. I mean you think about it, the moment a baby comes into the world, truly one moment in time, can change the entire course of someone's life. That's how this felt. Like there has been this nine month gestation period and all of a sudden, bam, wam, biddam. I was changed.

I don't know if anything will come of it as far as seeing the guy again goes. I honestly don't care about that. It's that something fundamentally moved me at my core and I have more ability to let flow and let go and want to write and communicate with the outside world because of it.

I got another interview with the Whole Foods on Oracle, and I don't actually know how I feel about it. I am overwhelmed by the thought because there are so many people involved and so much thinking to be done. So I'm trying to practice moving more with my gut than anything because my brain gets tired, as we well know, and I can't always rely on it. But I can rely on my gut, always. It gets tired and it an overwhelming well of continual output. No matter what, no matter how exhausted I am or it is, it continues to Live.

I hope I can honor the foundations of my past through these next few steps, and let it be as it is. It really is out of our control isn't, Father? My dad said last night if he could have his dad back in his life for this day, his birthday, what would he want to talk with him about? His life experience, his dad's father, and what his life was. I can't wait for dad's brain to be further healed. He has so much potential and there is so much more to come from him. His output is truly incredible. Truly. I am proud to come from him, no matter his flaws. That feels good to realize.

We watched Forrest Gump for his birthday movie. One of the greatest movies I know of. It captures the essences of the length of life, the passions, the happenstance of it, the motion and love that is poured forth from our hearts even when we are closed or ailing or sinning. It is deep and wide and short and tall and funny, that is one thing I truly appreciate about it and its connection with my father. They are funny, playful, real. He may not know it, but he connects, and his brain, if it won't tell him, will need to get out of the way as his heart leads him.

From the past, in the present, into the future.