The Market

So today at the market there were two little boys who took stickers. One of them said, "Can I have another one?" And his mother said, "(gasp) No, no, that is greedy and rude. You say you're sorry for being greedy and rude!" "I'm sorry." "For what?" "For not saying please?" "NO, no, for being greedy and rude. Say you're sorry for being greedy and rude." "I'm ssssorry for being greedy." "And rude!" "And rude." And all I could say was, "Well, that is just fine. I totally understand. I would want more too! That's understandable. But good job for apologizing!" And they walked away. I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about it. I mean, good job? Don't be so hard on your poor kid? What the heck? He's just a kid? Or maybe, hey, he's learning a few things? I really felt all of them at once. Mostly that she needn't be THAT mad at him for such an innocent thing. It's interesting, you know, how we treat ourselves....

Then Ivy came and her HUGE blue eyes, as they didn't look at me, but instead, so melancholic, wild and free and focused, would rove, glancing anywhere but my own. People in her family commented on her ability to twirl, her bows in her hair, what she did that day, whether she wanted to go over and see Shannon...

I kneeled down to talk with her and she was a sight in her dress and her hair back in a little braid. How must it feel to be the only girl of your mother's? What would it have been like to be the only one to receive the love in that way, to have her help you get ready? I'm sure my mother would've wanted to take the time, and I was probably the stealer of the attention, coming in with my blonde hair and cute green eyes. They probably, my older sisters, missed out on some very necessary love time. Instead they got the, "Grow up! Be the babysitter! Don't do that!"

Ryan wants to go to the folk festival and the choir concert and I don't know if I'm going with. The post "amazing photos oh my gosh I'm so blessed and this day is amazing!!!!" feeling has come which brings a "oh my gosh I'm ugly, unworthy, hated, all my dreams are nothing, I shouldn't even be here unless I'm not me" feeling.

Truth: I'm exhausted. I can't know what's in my future, I can't judge myself for being me, I can't live beating myself over the head with shoulds and must-apologizes. I can only love, love as I would love myself or how God has loved me.