Stalled

I always feel stalled, stupid, ugly, and broken when I am about to do something, or after, or during...ok, it's a common theme I suppose. I feel yucky right now. My tummy hurts and I keep fixating on relationships/not relationships/work/Josh/body image/Paris...it's a merry go round of ugly things that I don't want to atch going around. Erika's birthday is next week. What do I do? I want to send her a card. So maybe I'll go get her a card. Maybe there will be one in Trader Joe's or Whole Foods. I'd rather get a real nice one and send it special for her. Maybe after work I run into a store in La Encantada, or after work on Sunday I can run over to the mall. I think she'd like Hallmark. I miss her. I am glad we are not talking...it helps me to know she is on her own...but I still love her and hope she knows that.

I don't know what this world is forrrrr. That's how I feel right now. I'm sure I'll be a little happier once I get some coffee in me once I go to Whole Foods and get set up for my demo. Then I head over to J Gilbert. What's the best way to get there...Campbell? I should google map it. Wednesday we have small groups...I wonder if I'll end up going...I doubt it. Tuesday will be walking with Sara and meeting at UofA for memory group. I need to pick a specific verse to memorize. I don't know what I'm doinggggg!!! Oh well, just try to enjoy it. Try to enjoy it. Try to enjoy it. I think it's because i'm wearing things that I've associated with different periods in my life and it reminds my brain of those times and I don't know how to get it out of there. My tummyy! It's grumbling and rumbling all sorts of yuckiness around. I also really Wanted to do some abs but my brain was saying no, so I just rested instead. But now I feel like I want to and I'm all dressed up so I "can't".

J'ai finalement trouve une station de radio qui joue de la musique de vieille. J'adore ca!!

Mon cher Albert - Yanne Jean

Tres amusant.

I think I will have to let go of J Gilbert for sure. I might need to bring that up when I'm there. I don't like the feeling of holding onto it at all, because it makes me feel like I'm split. I want to focus on coffee and let that be it. But I don't feel like I have enough hours with the coffee. Actually I don't care about hours or money. I just want to be taking care of business and myself and things and letting that be all I need. Jesus.

I pray today is all about you, Lord, and that I can let go of these brain messages that are threatening to derail me. I want to just be yours and let my love for you reign. In Jesus' name, Amen!