Realized

I just realized I haven't posted in 4 days. That's a whoopsies! I must catch myself up on the happenings and why I am so strange-feeling.

1) Hoodies (Colin the crazy dude) offered me a part. I turned it down. I don't know how to unmix the feelings I have on this subject.

2) Soapocalypse did NOT offer me a part. I am disappointed, and I feel relieved, worried, wondering, and least of all I have faith. I need that to grow, LORD!

3) Rembrandt emailed me Ina's photo and letter, and then my own photo. I am so self-picking-apart-ing, and I feel like I don't deserve it/don't want it/need to be someone else. I feel absolutely ... surreal. I don't like how I am, flaky, smelling like whatever is around me, poky in my belly with no flow, sad and depressed more than not, addicted to the things of this world, reliant upon other things than God, lost!

4) Erin got home tonight from her honeymoon. I haven't seen her yet, but it's hard for me to take in this huge change that has just gone on. It feels like a natural disaster: there's no understanding, just moving forward and forgiving.

5) Ryan and I shot a Frolic and Fauna, and though it is funny, it is getting to be not enough in a way that is warming. I want more in a good way, not in a needy way as much, but in a real way, where it is just right. I just need to continue eating. HA!

6) I was on my walk with my book today, which I FINALLY finished, and I saw a runner girl, or two rather, who were obviously anorexic-y and I thought they were beautiful and motivated and I know that they are alive in a strange and different way and I wish I could make the world value this type of person again...but I am conflicted. Is it ill? Is it good? Is it a sign that I'm still very sick? What is it? Where's the perspective?

7) I want to talk with mom about some of these things, but ... I'm not sure. I am moving beyond being a child, no matter how slowly, and I feel like I need something different in this sameness.

Here is my prayer, Lord. I pray you show me what is right in front of me, and that you heal my body by helping me appreciate it. I want it to come from within, and I want you to work through me so that I can see and feel you come in. I want you to woo me into love with you, let your voice call out to me and for me to embrace because you first embraced me. I pray I change not because of outward forces, but because you are more and bigger and greater than my own ice-like stance. I pray I melt for you, and I feel the melting and I enjoy the process in a real way and that I let the emotions and the feelings and sensations wash over me in succession no matter what and that I come alive in YOUR name. Jesus I pray this in your name, your holy, perfect name who promised me Life, Amen!!!!!