New Beginnings

New beginnings are so very hard. New habits take years to form, and the overall process is a painstakingly brutal one, with the necessaries being the minute details. It takes a very precise mind to pick at each of the steps and truly TAKE them. I'm having trouble taking any steps for fear of losing the shore. I don't want to let go of the comforts that I have set up around me, but I find it easiest when I am honest about my shortcomings and misgivings.

For instance, when I told Kristen and Reagan about finding the maggots in my walnuts in my desk I felt better having shared it. Does that make it any easier? Not really. Does it make it easier to move forward? Yes. I guess I can learn that from what I've experienced.

I'm learning. That's what I have to continue to remind myself. L E A R N I N G. Not triumphing, not winning, not leaving behind, not dying, not shoving more into my already-knowing-it-all brain. But Learning, rewriting, renewing, opening up space and letting new information flow in, old information (not useful to me anymore) flow out. I want that to be a comfortably uncomfortable process of letting it all flow through the same wires in my brain. I want to not shove lines into it, I want the lines to flow as new, useful lines that take the place of the old written words in my ehad. I want to memorize and after use, discard. I want to be good at that, and USE those pathways in my brain and body as needed.

To do that I will take necessary steps. What are they, let's see.

1) Conquer the fear of shaking things up

2) Eat and chew and process more meat (the building blocks of New)

3) Build an environment for LIFE in my insides, my ovaries, my intestines, my brain and heart and lungs.

(Unsurprisingly I'm more stating where I will GO, not what the minute steps are. Why am I afraid of those steps? Why do I side-step those steps? What do I not like about being honest about where I'm at? I must feel vulnerable and singled out in a way I don't want. I can take that. I can weather that negative attention. That is truth. Truth is something I want to stand for no matter how difficult it is.)

4) Start eating more balanced MEALS, including protein, fat, and fiber. Let the consequences take hold for the time they need to, and move forward from that new sense of self.

5) Chew and spit out vegetable less. Specifically sugar snap peas. They got me through a lot those guys, but I want to be chewing on the never-ending change that human beings bring, not on the stale consciousness of a sugar snap pea. Humans are much more satisfying.

6) Eat more food WITH people. Meals WITH people. Stepping outside my usual errant behavior of eating alone and watching them eat, I want to open up the doors to enjoy the processing WITH other people.

I can't think so hard anymore. It takes a lot of mental energy to envision what you don't know yet. Just like those characters that I want to play. I want to embody, not just look on. That takes mental and physical effort. Lord, give me exactly what I need and please be my Rock and my Salvation. Forgive me for waiting and stopping and not listening and procrastinating, and choosing different roads. I praise your name for teaching me that yours is the only road I want. Yours is the only road I feel fulfilled upon. You are the only one who knows me to my core and back, more than I know myself, and I can trust you. Deeply. Lord Jesus, write that on my heart and help me write it in the consciousnesses of others in a way that fulfills me and brings praise to you. In Jesus' name, Amen.