First Week

   Phew! It's been a week now that I've been working at Whole Foods, and it is a whirlwind. Wow. So much to talk about and describe, my mind doesn't know where to land. There's just so much in the air, so much change and movement, and I can't even remember the times where I was stuck, SO HARD, in the depths of mental ... unclarity, muddlement, my poor mind and body. I cherish these days where I can come home, eat, walk, talk with my family, read in French and listen to Comme Toi, watch Friends, watch the rest of Project Runway, and that's after having a 6 hour work day.

  My favorite guy is John. I enjoy his kind eyes and soft energy. It surprises me how much I enjoy his ... receiving. He's in receiving and he receives. How great is that. I want to keep myself open, but I also do honestly believe I was made for more, so it's more about riding these waves that rise and swell. Inside and out. I think the goal for me still can be to balance my body, whatever that looks like. Finding my own balance in all of the madness that arises.

I am afraid to say what I am excited before, because I know it is coming, I can feel some of these things, and other things feel really far away, and I just don't know what to expect really. I want to be able to be surprised by people and things, but also be in touch with my gut on things and not be afraid to be perceptive. I love Elizabeth's energy. Noel is a little hardened, but she's sweet underneath. I think she's just afraid. Christina can be a bitch a little bit underneath, but I think I can too if I'm not careful to talk about my dislikes to my family and not to my coworkers. Separate from work. That is VERY important. For me to remain balanced.

Another thing I've seen rise up again is the whole touch thing. I tend to overdo it, and I don't know how to pull back. I guess just do it. I've noticed my massage past come up with Adrian...I don't know how I feel about him. Ever since I met him I could feel a ... something. A screw not quite as tight as I'd like in him...and that is being used by my ability to just give and flow freely. Such as I could give my mom a massage, one of the girls, but even then, it's a little outside the boundaries.

That feels good to get out.

Brian, Devin, Quincy, so many guys now. Chase, John, I like seeing Scott, and such. I just have to be careful. Not to cross lines, to be respectful, and obedient, to look for things I can get done, to be efficient, and to be goal-oriented. I don't want to be uncomfortable where I am, but to be comfortable in my striving.

This Wednesday...I am going to the bread-breaking and then going out with Kat to get the necklace, I can't wait to be honest. I want to find some healthy clothing. Another shirt to wear and PANTS. Cargo and black like Christina's. I love her so much. She cracks me up. She gets my kind of crazy humor that doesn't always seem appropriate. It helps me feel at home even when I am "hanging all out there." She seems to believe in me.

Dreams

I forgot to tell about the dreams I've been having.

1) Lettuce and other strange things were GROWING OUT OF MY FEET. It was soooo gross. I could barely stand going back to sleep. I kept looking down at my feet and new pussy things would grow out of them that were kind of leafy. I was with Ashley Dunston and Kelly, her husband now, and there was a lot of dirt, and dark people, and a wash, and going across the desert.

2) A mad girl, like crazy, who kept trying to eat me. She especially loved to maim women's vaginas and she kept coming after me. IT was so scary. She was half black, and her eyes were crazy, her hair was like a black person's and it was in innocent ponytails, like how black people pull it up in little horns all over their heads. Ugh, I can't even explain how terrible this one felt. Just like I couldn't get away from her, and there was nothing to do but face her and get maimed. Uck.

The month of August

Wow, the month of August has gone by incredibly quickly. 17 days have passed since I've posted last, and it looks like the next week is going to be quite busy. I will be going and going, just like I've wanted for so long.

So, I know that in a few years I will look back and not even be able to recognize the sick little girl I was, and that things are going to roll a little bit more smoothly from here on out. I've begun to have more ability to move about, do, think, and just generally be on my feet than before when I was just starving for nutrients. Now I am of a semi normal weight and I can feel my health returning. I'm not sure if I ever looked like Nichole, but I am glad I am not in her shoes right now. There's a great fight being fought on the battlefront by the incredibly thin women of the world, and right now I find myself in a different position. I am not merely surviving as much as I was before, I am thriving a teensy bit better.

All because of God's work in my heart. I think ... I can't imagine what and where I would be if I were just left to my own help. God has guided me so perfectly to where I am, and I pray I get the chance to praise Him everyday, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how joyful I get, no matter what comes my way, I pray that it be for His glory, and that I learn more and more how best He is pleased in pleasing me. I pray that I learn to follow Him.

So I haven't done any of the journaling prayers that I've been supposed to do for my devotional, so I'm going to journal a prayer right now.

Dear Lord, You are ... you are the wind when it peaks to me. You are the rocks that cradle me so steadfastly. Yu are the ground that feels so good beneath my feet. You are the morning rain when it splashes against things and makes the clouds light up and the noises that fill my ears as I go about my daily routine. You are the food taht I put into my body, living in each of the things taht come into my cells and make me up. You are the knowledge that educates me on things of your nature. You are the democracy that lives in today's world. You are the hope in something more, and you are the faith that it will happen when it comes under your wings. You are the one who keeps me close even when I kind of wander off. You are the energy that I do not have and the water that fuels my cells that I don't always get. You are this journey that brings me to places I have never been. You are the little girls' blue green eyes and the Indian man's easy going nature. You are Manish's goodness and Roxanne's desire for good. You are Denise's fostering care and Scott's upbeat, winsome personality. You are my language and my heart speaking to others. I pray that you imbue my language with the fruits of your knowledge. I pray you come into my eyes and break down the barriers and open up the very sweet figs and dates of my soul so I can share in the beautiful bounty you have promised. I pray any Jericho's in my heart are marched around for 7 days and they are fallen down, and that my Rahabs would be saved from pillaging and looting and being raped. I pray that my kings would listen to your prophets and that you would show me what is true and what is trying to pull me down. I pray that I be comfortable with my imperfection, but never let go of my desire to please you in new ways and experience more of your beauty on this earth. I pray that you would show me how to love you and be with you. And how BEST to pass this love along to others, without judgement. Without hatred or malice. I pray that people like Bear come into my life and be the lights that I look for. I praise you for Bear and I pray you bless him immensely. Give him light, love, and more people to fill his heart with joy. He makes me smile so much. I am so thankful for him. :D Thank you Lord Jesus.

Early mornings

Garrr I'm exhausted. I've been waking up at like 2 or 3 and staying up, usually taking a respite nap while reading around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I then usually stay a little somber/tired until around 8:30, when I fall asleep again. I ... was going to say I don't know if that is a good thing or not, but I just feel like it's necessary for me for whatever reason.

I have a meeting with Victor from Greentoes tomorrow at 10:30, and I've decided to go in armed with my strengths and what I have to offer. As well as what it is I'm looking for. I'm looking for some free manis/pedis/maybe even a massage a month. I can offer:
French knowledge, some social media knowledge and time, access to Whole Foods customers and farmer's market gals...an innovative, creative mind that is constantly thinking up ideas to get the word out there, feminine spirit and sensibilities, healthy body/mindset, non-university feel, sign language? free coffee! artistic nature, God-centered, clean, loving, compassionate, young, ready to learn.

I think that about sums up what I have to offer, although I'm going to say if anything I usually sell myself short by default. I'm trying to get better at giving myself credit for things so that I can build my self-confidence and ability to learn through positive reinforcement.

For instance, I have been having milk!! For the first time in years. I can't believe it. So far my stomach and intestines have not told me that I am crazy, and have in fact taken it in like a pro, like I'm watering a camel that has been running around the desert for the past 5 years.

I think I want to be honest, with myself, and say that I am looking for some Chic Connection and that I want something more than just ... Tucson-y fell. The southwestern culture is great, but it's not really me. I think I'm much more of a chic type of person, and I would love to live my life as much as possible in that realm.

I'm going to research Greentoes a bit more and find out what makes them tick. That will help.

Giving Blood for Life

Ok, so really quickly I want to just express myself on here since I'm having a hard time processing all these emotions that are making their way to my surface. I recently was contacted by Seanloui, and I emailed him back with the information he needed and asked about him and if he wanted to meet up for coffee and chat, but I regret it. I feel like I'm asking for a beating in my emotions because I want so badly for relationship, and I want to be present with someone, but then I go ask for Seanloui who is Distant, Selfish, Short (in terms of response), and a whole bunch of other things I don't want. But my vagina has been waking up of late and I feel all of these things and that just popped out of my fingers! To ask him to coffee, what the heck, I don't want to be subjected to...I don't even know what. I feel morose, a whole ton of emotions just flooding my brain over and over again, the sadness, the desire, the newness of all these feelings, it feels overwhelming.

I have been having dreams about Garret, about other things, that are really vivid, and not necessarily troubling as much as they stick, like glue to my brain, and then circulate with my thoughts, bringing around these emotions again and again, of helplessness, doing things wrong, expectation, unfulfilled release, I just feel like there isn't any...I'm meeting with Kendra today and I don't want to. I just want to live in my own fantasy world where my ties in Tucson don't exist, and I can feel like I'm back in World War 2 with the characters of Winter of the World. I'm supposed to meet up with Bean on Friday...basically I don't feel like any of it. I don't feel like doing anything happy, not because I ... I'm not exactly sure why. There's this pull towards doing things alone and peace inducing that aren't anything like what I was doing before.

But THEN I look at pictures of Buffalo Exchange, of Jessie Crocker, of Laura Tanzer's clothing, and I get ... jealous? Desirous? I don't want to miss out, I don't want to be left out. I don't want to not be there. But I don't want to be there either. It's strange. I know that will come back around eventually, actually I can envision it feeling really strong and fun and real in the future. I can see the process being more my speed, more handle-able, more inspiring than tiring. I think my brain is just tired of people and THEIR emotions. I want to clue into my own, which is really healthy and really difficult for my brain to turn inward.

I want to be able to write about CHARACTERS in a flow, but I find myself drawn to my own emotions or the outside happenings or something like that, and the flow of the divination of a character's story is interrupted. I know that God will teach me my process and that eventually it will round itself out and be accessible when it is needed, but for now it's scary how interrupted I feel a lot of the time. My stream of consciousness is still waking up I think, and that stream has been less than a trickle at times, so it's taking awhile to work up to a full on river. It's going to take awhile before it's raging, but sometimes a river become a tributary, branching off and becoming LESS powerful, before it reaches the ocean. I guess that's what I'm looking for. The spreading out of my energy to the existing parts of myself, is actually the water finding a common source from which to draw all the essential energies of my being. The deepest and most powerful parts. It's just so dark down there. And so mysterious. I think I need to believe in the deep, dark blood that will hopefully be falling from my uterus soon.

I desire steadfastness on that, and a true connection with what a miracle it is, to give blood for Life.

TACO

Tucson Acupuncture Co-op

I went for an appointment today. Yesterday was a market day and Ashton worked with me. I felt much better than the first week we worked together.

First the acupuncture because it's on my mind as my digestion strains all the lettuce I put into it through and squeezes ever last ounce out. I'm oil pulling at the moment. WIth charcoal to whiten my teeth. I don't know if that is true, that it whitens my teeth, but I like the taste, the feeling of the grit between my teeth as I bite down. It's like chewing on sand for an extended period of time, through a coconut flavored watery liquid. It does cause me to want to swallow, but I kinda like the feeling and it feels very clean. In a few moments I'll be going out to the pool to lounge and kick my feet because I like doing that after I eat. It helps my stomach I feel.

Anyways, the acupuncture. I felt very wary, very afraid. I was so scared every time I went into Jeremy's that I would have to be better than last week, or worse, or something should've changed, and nothing ever did. Except that I liked him still. Thankfully that wasn't able to happen with this guy. His shaved head, ending up at the brow line and turning into a curly mess at the top, his ungaged ears, sweet eyes that were a bit folded into his head, his tattoos, his muscular yet slight body, all made me feel at ease. He seemed gay, and if not gay, pretty effeminate. He said he had been a massage therapist, an ayurvedic specialist and some other things, and that he had a mountain of debt for the next 25 years that he would be paying off in small installments if he lived comfortably but small. He'd moved from Boulder, Colorado, and said he'd been there just a few weeks ago. I told him I craved the air there, the mountains and the trees. He said his friend had apologized for the heat, and that he had responded, no, this is so nice. 85 degrees is nothing compared with 108. This whole next week will be killer warm, hopefully with some rain to break off the monotony of dry furnace.

I told him I'd had a background of amenorrhea, mold exposure, and wanted to work on digestion. He said ok. He looked slightly empathetic/concerned, his brow creasing and his eyes moving toward me from looking at my sheet of paper. I don't think he had wanted to read those words, or at least he hadn't focused on them, because when I said I had had an eating disorder he checked again saying, oh, ok, ok. That's tough. And I nodded and said I was just working with my body and hoping it would come back. I felt very honest.

He told me about how he did Ashtanga yoga with Leslie at The Movement Shala, and I really enjoyed hearing about the ritual of 6-9am, people coming in whenever they wanted to, and how he anchored himself around that. How it had sort of saved his life. I completely understand. I can't wait to go back and meet Ellen and see what she might have to do as far as points. He put in probably 15 in all, around my body, and I noticed he put some on ST meridian, SJ, and I really liked that ones that he put at the top of my head as well as at the crook in my arm. I enjoyed the ease of the chair, having no one there with me was very nice, seeing as it was a Monday morning I was surprised people weren't lined up to get some Monday Qi going.

I sat in the chair next to the radio with a soft, plush, royal purple throw over the lounger. It was amazing. I dozed for about a half hour and then he came back in, pulled the needles, and only one of them rose a little into an itchy bump, on my left outer leg around the knee area. I'll have to look up the point's name. I glimpsed Ellen, the other acupuncturist, on my way out. Feeling more at ease I let the little girl slide through my awareness, her sort of Hello I'm here attitude was cute and very healthy, as if she has received acupuncture since she was little. An old couple came in as I was leaving. I held the door open as she hobbled in with her rolling walker, the man following behind nodding and saying thank you. She was just barely cognizant of what was going on around her.

Ok, so the market quickly. Ashton explained to me a little bit of how she was continually on the cops' radar when she lived with her mom so she moved out when she was 15. She got in a car accident when she was 17 and had to have facial reconstructive surgery to change her face. I saw her face in a totally different light. Clayton came over and I saw him completely differently as well, his kind eyes showing through instead of me seeing just the fear and objectionable tone of his manner.

It was more fun working with her. I held out a juice to her, her whole morning spent without food, and was so happy to offer her something I knew would nourish her. I love doing that for people and I hope that translates into my job. Now if I could just get my brain to accept my over-muscular arms and manly frame. I still feel like a man, as my hips grow it actually becomes worse. I feel MORE exposed as something that I don't want to be. Just bigger in general equals less in control of my image. And yet I have most demonstratively found that control of my image leads to absolutely nothing, and then I just feel fabricated, bored, and and still misunderstood. So I suppose I have learned that about myself and can move on hopefully.

The older black man with a graying, closely groomed beard has just arrived back in his dark blue, shiny Nissan Altima, yellow collared shirt and leather sandals. He carries a briefcase. I'm not sure what he does, but it's something important I believe. The apartment buildings two steps down the road are about to be finished. I am a little scared as to what that might mean for this area, the people that might come. I feel like Tucson is expanding beyond it's capacity and soon we'll just have to move out further to feel away.

Who knows.

Moving On

So I have to clean the bathroom, or rather I'm GOING to clean the bathroom gladly. It is dirty. But first I wanted to document a little of the last few days.

My mind has been flowing and pulling and shoving as it processes everything and all the changes that are occurring. I am trying to let the move to Whole Foods be a good one. It isn't easy, that's for sure. I constantly wonder whether or not it will tire me out, or if it might be more of the same and that's not what I want. I don't think, if it is more of the same, that it would be a bad thing. I would be making more and be getting a discount where I need it most. Or at least my dad definitely does.

I went to the market this morning trying to focus on the book on CD I am listening to. It worked alright. I was able to squeeze out some information about the beginning of the first World War through the happenings of the pages. Obviously my attention was split, holding onto all the the future means and trying to grasp the past. I have been much more emotional lately, which I am truly glad for.

I hope that my mom's blog post ends up helping someone. I know that putting it up there scares me to death, and it feels like a death, but I do believe there's a reason it's so hard. And I pray it truly pays off for God. No matter what happens to me.

I was putting the coffees out and Denise said, "Oh no honey, the tablecloths not on right." I sort of paused, trying to process what she was saying. "It is Almost, but if it's not on the white it's not equal with the other one." I nodded slightly, not that this is an insane requirement for the tablecloth, not at all. I understand that having them even with one another is much more aesthetically pleasing and efficient...I think it was just the way she says things. It bugs me lately more than it did before. I tried viewing it as something she was trying to teach me, but more and more it feels like degradation. I opened up the back of the suburban, and out fell the cooler. She comes around and says, "Yeah, you can't just open up the back like that." "Oh, I didn't know. Dangit." "Yeah, we need to pick that up quick, some of the cream could be spilling." I tried to put my things down quickly and pick it up. "It's gonna fall all out if you pick it up like that. Yeah." I just kind of blanked out.

My reaction reminded me of the little girl, Poppy, I babysat last night. She has hearing aids and uses signs to help her communicate. When she banged her head hard on the ground in her room she just stood up, stared at me, then ran into the living room and put her head in the folds of the couch. I followed her, expecting her to be crying, worried that she had really hurt herself. She looked over at me as I approached and giggled. I didn't really know what to make of it.

She is a MASTER at copying. Everything that I did, she copied. Right down to when I itched my nose, she brought her hand up and made the same motion, circularly rubbing the tip.

to be continued...I just got a huge wave of fatigue. I am ready for a nap.